It's a shame the depths to which this nation has fallen. As a nation that once proudly claimed itself to be "One nation, under God, Indivisible", possessing a nature of justice and righteousness, we now reject the sovereignty of the very God, for whose worship this country was founded. Now, instead of allowing those who DON'T believe in God, or choose not to espouse any particular tenets of faith to excercise their rights to agree to disagree, they have made it a personal quest to stomp our love an affection for our God from the public square. They say that one's belief in God is a private matter, and in the privacy of home and church is where the expressions of those believes are to remain. However, as one of faith, I know that in order to truly have love for God, you have to display it everywhere... anywhere. The thing is, as God is removed from being endoresed in the public arena... it's only a matter of time before the expression of God, even in private regards, is prohibited... That means no outward confessions on your desk at work (christian paraphenalia, pictures or music), possibly getting pulled over in your car for listening to Gospel Music, the removal of Christian programming on television (which is already underway). God has for so long, favored this nation.. now that we turn from him, is it any surprise that we feel more vulnerable than ever, now that we've attempted to remove ourselves from the cover of the wings of our God? Think about it.

Maybe I'm naive... silly in fact for believing in happy endings, but hope is the only thing I have left to keep me going. I've been saddened and depressed of late, for the sole fact that I wonder if life is going to work out the way that it does in the story books. You know, happily ever after. I'm forced to believe that if I serve God that it will, but I'm also stuck with the thought that it won't. I feel that I'm a catalyst... the instrument used to bring happiness, or at least the instrument used to bring the PATH to happiness for others, all at the expense of my own. And worst of it all, I'm obligated to carry this burden on my own. I don't want to anymore... it's a heavy weight... and I'm tired. I don't even need anyone to carry it for me, just need someone to be there and tell me that it'll be alright. You'd think that that was a simple request... So why is it that that has been the ONE thing my life has lacked. I mean I've HAD someone in my past, but that's just it... it's in the past. I want the wife, car, house, and kids. I don't mind working to get it, but I'm forced to believe at this moment that there's some aspect of me that's contrary to my being loved... Really loved. Not infatuation. I can impress a girl, but it seems that keeping one is the hard part. I almost wish I was back in 2000, with the mindset that I don't need a woman, and I don't want a woman. It would have simplified matters immensely right now. Maybe things would be different. Maybe not, but at least I could deal with the lonliness I feel at present.

Not a bad weekend so far. I mean, the date with Nicky was a complete disaster yesterday, what with her moodiness, but seeing her today and having the chance to hold her and have her respond affectionately to me made up for it. And Myrnelle is off the hook. If this keeps up, I'm going to end up in a logn term relationship, and that's troubling in and of itself. but she's so dope, and I don't think I'd have it in me to do her wrong. It's not that often that an an attractive woman takes such an interest in me... At least not that I'm aware of. I look good today... almost caused a traffic accident by looking so fly. Go me, Go me!!...

Lessee... Friday afternoon... almost time to go home... and I'm all anxious as to how the events of the evening will unfold. I like this girl... REALLY like her, but I don't have the SLIGHTEST clue how she views me... Right now I get the "nice guy" feeling off of her... that's not good, I can be a nice guy to anyone, I'd rather not have that distinction with someone I'd want to marry. So, here's where i stand... If it gets physical tonight, I'm not fighting it.. but I'm not forcing it either... we go where we go, and what comes comes... If I'm lucky what comes will be me ;)... and her :D

Time for the Friday Five

When was the last time you...
1. ... sent a handwritten letter?
I wrote a letter about a month ago to a one of the girls I was seeing... still am in fact. I just never gave it to her, as it was more of a thought clearing thing than a communicative thing.

2. ... baked something from scratch or made something by hand?
Well, I'm not much of a cook, so baking is right out... as for making something by hand... uh, last week... I built a rock garden as my outdoor project.

3. ... camped in a tent?
You mean overnight? uh, never... the areas in which I've lived have been entirely too metropolitan to permit that... maybe nowthat i'm in Colorado, I can give it a shot.

4. ... volunteered your time to church, school, or community?
Well, in Boston, I practically lived at my church, so I'd done it nearly every day for the past 3 years... but since I've been in Colorado, I've been just trying to get used to my new environs...

5. ... helped a stranger?
Does giving directions count? How about spare change to panhandler?

I really can't believe the fact that she did a strip tease for me online! Myrnelle has a bangin body... I've realized that you really can't fully divide your affections for more than one person... always ONE person gets a little more favor than another... I want it to be Nicky, but she's not really being conducive to the process... I'm supposed to do SOMETHING with her tonite... probably go to 7 falls... nice area, but kinda pricy to look at water and smelly fish. Mom should be in VA now...probably give her a call today to see what she's up to... It's interesting to have the house to myself... Maybe I'll get some tonite!! ;)

I was doing a bit of introspective thought last night when it occurred to me why I tend to be so squeamish in regards to discussing sex. I mean, my claim to fame really has been the fact that I'm the general "nice" guy. If I were to allow that hidden freak to take control, maybe I wouldn't be viewd in that same manner... who knows. The thing is, it's all about an image that I was putting out, some of my initial, but false charm. I mean, I am still the nice guy, but I like the emotional and spiritual bonding of sex. Feels hella good too.I suppose the first step to all of it is that I stop trying to convince myself, and keep on moving forward. New and improved. Ever onward, ever upward, that's how I operate.... Next step!!

Something about Myrnelle really gets to me... I mean, she's fully across the country, and the only way I'll get to see her is at the expense of a couple hundred dollars... about an entire weeks pay.... Yet I'm actually considering doing it. Something about the way I feel in dealing with her can only be matched by what's going through my mind in regard to Nicky. This is a funny situation, since I've got one here that I can BARELY read, but I feel "right" about, then there's a girl in MA that wants me, and was willing to HUNT me down in order to maintain contact. I know it could work between us, but there's so MUCH between us in terms of distance... I know I should pray over this, and don't know why I haven't. I need to resolve this before I bring unwanted drama on myself.

You'd think that they'd make it a little easier on me to report stolen checks, considering the fact that I'm in Colorado, and all the action happened in Mass. but NOOOO, I gotta jump through all kinds of hoops. For this effort SOMEONE's gonna catch a bad one. I don't care who it is, or how they wanna justify it. Sing it with me now... someone's goin to jail, someone's goin to jail!!

I watched American Idol last night... Justin and Angela KILLED it.. she scared the hell outta me with how good she sang. Justin just has talent... if he doesn't win, I guarantee he gets signed ANYWAY. Jamar probably has talent, but he REALLY picked the wrong song, and didn't display any talent at ALL. And Alexandra... she shoulda 'missed' her audition cuz she was HORRIBLE. I don't know who the #3 seat goes to, but I KNOW that Justin and Angela are going on... (Angie's got some BANGIN lips too...).

Woo Hoo!! I got the travelling trophy for most calls answered yesterday. And I was slacking!! Imagine how I'd have done if I were actually WORKING?!

I saw Nicky for the first time in almost three weeks. DAMN I want that girl. She's apparently just been going through some drama and issues, not unlike what I'd been dealing with for the latter portion of last year, and the earlier part of this one. But I apparently can be of SOME help to her, giving her money to save her stuff in storage. Money's not much of an issue to me right now, especially in the sums she wants. Mom's leaving on Thursday, so I have to find something to do with myself for the weekend... maybe sojurn to Denver... Her car can take it, and I've got gas... I'll see what one of my amigas in D-town are up to. I really want to get back to Boston so I can spend some time with Myrnelle... Though it's doubtful that I can be enticed to return to the Bean, I can at least enjoy her, and her company, and maybe lock something down.

Well, I spent an entire weekend getting a whole web design concept together, and it just didn't quite run the way I intended. But I will get my design off the ground... I hate to stagnate if you get what I'm saying. Well, I'm still dealing with the calamity that is my love life... Running the usual circles around myself, and getting nowhere. My general principle of keeping no more that 3 girls in the dating circle isn't doing too bad, but it's not proving nearly as fruitful as I wish it would. I mean, I'm still officially single, regardless of whose shown interest, and the ladies on tap aren't totally responsive, nor accessible. Nicky has personal drama, and while I'd like to know what's up with her, she's got rights to her secrets right now... I just wish it didn't shut me out. Myrnelle is way in Boston... Nuff said. And Kim, I don't know WHERE the heck she is. Last I spoke to her, she was in transit from Springfield, MA prepping to come back to Denver. No word from her yet tho.